Chapter 05. How The Soul Attains Hearty Repentance and Gently Pardon Underthe... (A Little Book of Eternal Wisdom) (Suso, Henry)

The Servant. Now then, cheer up you soul of mine! Collect yourself entirely from all exterior things into the calm silence of your interior, that so you mayest break away, and wander at large, and run wild in the rugged wilderness of an unfathomable sorrow of heart, up to the high rock of misery, now contemplated; and mayest cry aloud from the depths of your sad and languishing heart, till it resound over hill and valley throughout the sky, and pierce even to heaven before all the heavenly host; and speak with your lamentable voice thus: Alas, ye living rocks, ye savage beasts, ye sunny meads! who will give me the burning fire of my full heart, and the scalding water of my sorrowful tears, to wake you up, that ye may help me to bewail the unfathomable heartrending woe which my poor heart so secretly suffers?

Me had my heavenly Father adorned above all living creatures, and elected to be His own tender and blessed spouse. And lo, I have fled from Him! Woe is me! I have lost the beloved of my choice, my only one! Woe on my wretched heart! forever woe! What have I done, what have I lost! I have fled from myself, all the host of heaven, all that could give me joy and delight, have fled from me! I sit forsaken, for my false lovers were deceivers. O misery and death! How falsely and miserably have ye not forsaken me, how despoiled me of all the good with which my only love had arrayed me! Alas honour! alas joy! alas all consolation! how am I utterly robbed of you! Whither shall I turn myself? The entire world has forsaken me, because I have forsaken my only love. Wretched me! when I did so what a lamentable hour it was! Behold in me a late daisy, behold in me a sloe thorn, all ye red roses, ye white lilies! take notice how very quickly that flower withers, fades, and dies, which this world gathers! For I must always thus living, die; thus blooming, fade; thus youthful, grow old; thus healthy, sicken. And yet, tender Lord, all that I suffer is of small account compared to my having made wroth Your fatherly countenance; for this is to me a hell and a grief above all grief.

Alas, that You should have been so graciously kind, that You should have warned me so tenderly, and drawn me so affectionately, and that I should have so utterly despised it all! O heart of man! what can you not endure! As hard as steel must you be not to burst utterly with woe. True, I was once called His beloved spouse: woe is me! I am not now worthy to be called His poor handmaid. Nevermore, for bitter shame, may I raise my eyes.

Henceforth in joy and sorrow my mouth to Him must be dumb. O how narrow for me is this wide world! O God, were I but in a wild forest, where no one might hear or see me, but where I could cry aloud to my heart's desire, to the relief of my poor heart; for other consolation I have none! O sin, to what a pass has you brought me! Woe to you, you false world! woe to him that serves you! How have you rewarded me, seeing that I am a burthen to myself and you, and ever must be. Hail, all hail to you, ye rich queens! ye rich souls, who, by the misfortunes of others, have become wise; who have continued in your first innocence of body and mind; how unwittingly blessed ye are! O pure conscience! O free and single heart! how ignorant are ye of the state of a heart oppressed and sorrowful through sin! Ah me, poor spouse, how happy was I with my Beloved, and how little did I know it! Who will give me the breadth of the heavens for parchment, the depth of the sea for ink, leaves and grass for pens, that I may write fully out my desolation of soul, and the irreparable calamity which my woeful separation from my Beloved has brought upon me! Alas that ever I was born! What is left but for me to cast myself into the abyss of despair?

Eternal Wisdom. You must not despair. Did I not come into the world for the sake of you and all sinners, that I might lead you back to My Father in such beauty, brightness, and purity, as otherwise you never could have acquired?

The Servant. O what is that which sounds so sweetly in a dead and outcast soul?

Eternal Wisdom. Dost you not know Me? What! are you fallen so low, or have you lost your senses, because of your great trouble, my tender child?

And yet it is I, the all-merciful Wisdom, I Who have opened wide the abyss of infinite mercy, which is, however, hidden from all the saints, to receive you and all penitent hearts. It is I, the sweet Eternal Wisdom, who became wretched and poor that I might guide you back again to your dignity. It is I, Who suffered bitter death that I might bring you again to life. Lo, here I am, pale, bloody, affectionate, as when suspended between you and the severe judgment of My Father, on the lofty gibbet of the cross. It is I, your brother. Behold, it is I, your bridegroom! Everything that you ever didst against Me will I wholly forget, as though it had never happened, provided only that you return to Me, and never quit Me more. Wash yourself in My precious blood, lift up your head, open your eyes, and be of good cheer.

Receive as a token of entire peace and complete expiation My wedding ring on your hand, receive your first robe, shoes on your feet, and the fond name of My bride for ever! Lo, I have garnered you up with such bitter toil!

Therefore, if the whole world were a consuming fire, and there lay in the midst of it a handful of flax, it would not, from its very nature, be so susceptible of the burning flame as the abyss of My mercy is ready to pardon a repentant sinner, and blot out his sins.

The Servant. O my Father! O my Brother! O all that can ravish my heart! And will You still be gracious to my offending soul? O what goodness, what unfathomable compassion! For this will I fall prostrate at Your feet, O heavenly Father! and thank You from the bottom of my heart, and beg of You to look on Your only-begotten Son, whom, out of love You gave to bitter death, and to forget my grievous misdeeds. Remember, heavenly Father, how You didst swear of old to Noah, and didst say: I will stretch My bow in the sky; I will look upon it, and it shall be a sign of reconciliation between Me and the earth. O look now upon it, tender Father, how cruelly stretched out it is, so that its bones and ribs can be numbered; look how red, how green, how yellow, love has made it! Look, O heavenly Father, through the hands, the arms, and the feet, so woefully distended, of Your tender and only-begotten Son. Look at His beautiful body, all rose colour with wounds, and forget Your anger against me. Remember that You are only called the Lord of Mercy, the Father of Mercy, because You forgive.

Such is Your name. To whom did You give Your best-beloved Son? To sinners.

Lord, he is Mine! Lord, he is ours! This very day will I enclose myself with His bare extended arms in a loving embrace in the bottom of my heart and soul, and living or dead will never more be separated from Him. Therefore, do Him honour today in me, and graciously forget that wherein I may have angered You. For, methinks it were easier for me to suffer death than ever to anger You, my heavenly Father, again. Neither afflictions nor oppressions, neither hell nor purgatory, are such causes of lamentation to my heart, as that I ever should have angered and dishonoured You, my Creator, my Lord, my God, my Saviour, the joy and delight of my heart. Oh, if for this I could give voice to my grief of soul, through all the heavens, till my heart should burst into a thousand pieces, how gladly would I do it!

And the more entirely You forgive my evil deeds, so much the greater is my sorrow of heart at having been so ungrateful in return for your great goodness. And You, my only consolation, You my tender elected one, Eternal Wisdom! how can I ever make You a complete and proper return of thanks for having at so dear a rate healed and reconciled with Your pangs and wounds the breach which all created beings could not have made good? And, therefore, my eternal joy, teach me how to bear Your wounds and love-marks on my entire body, and how to have them at all times in my keeping, so that all this world, and all the heavenly host, may see that I am grateful for the infinite good which, out of Your unfathomable goodness alone, You have bestowed on my lost soul.

Eternal Wisdom. You should give yourself and all that is yours to Me cheerfully, and never take them back. All that is not of absolute necessity to you should you leave untouched; then will your hands be truly nailed to My cross. You should cheerfully set about good works and persevere in them; then will your left foot be made fast. Your inconstant mind and wandering thoughts should you make constant and collected in Me; and thus your right foot will be nailed to My cross. Your mental and bodily powers must not seek rest in lukewarmness; in the likeness of My arms they should be stretched out in My service. Your sickly body must often, in honour of my dislocated bones, be wearied out in spiritual exercises, and rendered incapable of fulfilling its own desires. Many an unknown suffering must strain you to Me on the narrow bed of the cross, by which you will become lovely like Me, and of the colour of blood. The withering away of your nature must make Me blooming again; your spontaneous hardships must be to My weary back as a bed; your resolute resistance to sin must relieve My spirit; your devout heart must soften My pains, and your high flaming heart must kindle My fervid heart.

The Servant. Now, then, fulfill You my good wishes, according to Your highest praise, and according to Your very best will; for indeed Your yoke is sweet, and Your burthen light: this do all those know who have experienced it, and who were once overladen with the heavy load of sin.